Initiation tool

describe how and what you are feeling right now.

I am feeling drawn in 5 directions. Should I get up and go visit should I sit and read should I finish my jewelry should I exercise should I play piano or guitar. Should I clean everything up. I am thinking I finally have time to do all these things and I can't settle on one. Should I go clean out my car. Should I clean out some drawers. Should I write some notes. My mind can't settle on one thing . i am worried about how I am going to buy the farm back. I don't see any way around it though I can't let the middle of the farm be sold but i AM 55 YEARS OLD. My GOSH how CAN i TAKE ON THAT KIND OF DEBT. I JUST THINK I SHOULDN'T BE AT THIS POINT IN MY LIFE. i JUST FEEL LIKE ANY MAJOR PROBLEM AND I WILL PANIC. AND GO HYSTERICAL. i HAVE NO ONE TO TURN IT OVER TOO THAT WILL TAKE IT THAT WORRIES ME AND I AM NOT SO WORRIED ABOUT THE CAR PAYMENT NOW. i THINK i CAN MAKE THIS. i HAVE SO MANY UNFINISHED PROJECTS AND THEN i JUST BUY MORE SO MANY UNFINISHED BOOKS AND i BUY MORE BOOKS MORE STUFF RIGHT BE TAKEN DOWN OUTSIDE. NOW THE CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS NEED TO BE TAKEN DOWN OUTSIDE, THE HOT TUB IS BROKE. MY YARD LOOKS LIKE A JUNK PILE. NOT WHAT i WANT. THE DOCK IS NOT DONE THE BATHROOM DOWN STAIRS IS NOT DONE THE POND IS NOT DONE NOTHING BOB STARTS IS DONE THE BATHROOM TILE IS BROKE THERE IS NO TILE UNDER THE STOVE. i DON'T GET IT AND THE DOWNSTAIRS IS STARTING TO LOOK LIKE A WORK SHOP I HATE IT I HATE IT. WHERE. AND MY FINANCES ARE SHOT i AM LIVING HAND TO MOUTH WITH NO ONE TO HELP ME IF i DON;T START THINKING OF MYSELF AND MY FUTURE I AM GOING TO BE IN TROUBLE.
BUT i FIRMLY BELIEVE THAT THIS IS THE BEST IT IS To GOING TO GET AND THIS IS GOOD i HAVE A BEAUTIFUL HOUSE I LOVE WONDERFUL KIDS IT IS A MORE OF AND i WANT TO STOP WANTING GREAT LIFE I HAVE NOTHING TO WANT . My mind just jumps from one thing to another but it is very self centered thinking only of myself and my feelings. I need to get outside that . When I go somewhere I find myself wantsing to get home and be by myself. Nuts nuts nuts. stop stop stop.I can't think of any more to write I could write about the decorations on my walls for instance the 4 norman rockewell plates my mom bought me years ago the four seasons I love them I hade lots of norman rockwell stuff in my other home and now bob actually has some in his new house. the plate with the 4h ribbon. I remember seeing and then the painting that my mom had in my child hood home of the flowers I forget what they are calledbut it is one of my prized possessions. ll have dreams about that never seemed clean so crowded. I loved the drawers behind my door in my bedroom that dad made for me. painted different colors.love my dad's bedroom it was done all in dark brown with darkbrown curtains and bed spread the furniture was leather how I wish I still had that furniture. I do have the lamps and the tiger picture which I am going to put in the bathroom today. and the kissing heads. It was deepbrow leather with a noton in the center of each section. s I loved it. perfect condition. Al my mom's stuff was in perfect condition. I never really liked the bathroom between the two bedrooms I think I stii t hung in the living room over the red cough forever. I really don't know the history but I think she had it when they lived in there apartment befor my dad's accideent. Marian bought that red couch it was a great couch mom had it reapolstered sometima and it was iin great shape it was a really good couch. I wonder what happened to all of mariansstuff. I used toI need to clean the frame. on the bottom then the bird clock athat I boought bob for father s day and he didn't ;;ole ot he couldnt't stand the bird sounds but I love it guess I bought it for myself the the curtains that are mad from material I found in my grandfathers basement I love I even have pictures of the curtains hanging in there house. Then the china cabinet that I cbought after my mom dies with the money that I got from the auction. A very smart buy and all the mwonder ful things in it. then the plant that I jsut bought last summer and am doing well keeping it alive. the lamp that I found in my grandpa attic and put the new lamp shad on and andy rewired for me a prized possesion. The little sled table that I bought in crossville that I love and the end tables that were my grandpa that really need some work and the lamps that I believe are painted china they have signatures. all very precious and the red stove that I bugged bob till I got and he put in probably one of the last things he did and he hated every minute of it.

Thoughts on the gifts of depression

Care Of The Soul by Thomas Moore.
From the chapter Gifts of Depression


Soul presents in variet of colors

gray
blue black not just white red and orange.
In a societ that is defended againt the tragic sense of life
depression will appear as an enemy
an unredeemable malady
in a society
devoter to light
depression,, in compensation will be unusually strong


What is depression doing here
does it have some necessary role to play
depression is a mood close to our feelings of mortality we must guard against the denial of death that is so easy to slip into
developa tast for the depressed mood a positive respect for it place
some ideas only appear during depression and if we suppress those ideas we may lose those reflections

depression also called sadness or melancholy
five or six hundred years ago melancholy was id with roman god saturn to be depressed was to be in saturn. a person chronically disposed to melancholy was a child of saturn.


al so old man
patron of the past the depressed person sometimes things that the good times are all past they favor the sould desire to be both in time and in eternity and so in a strang way they can be pleasing.
depresion can be the souls aging brings an affection for the good ol days were getting old soul now takes on imprtant qualities of age that are positive and helful if age is denied soul becomes lost

IT SNOWED

At least 3 inches . We had our going away party for Natasha last night. It is so hard to see her go. But better things awate for her. I went right to bed when I got home. I was beat and then I dreamed about my grandpa and he was dying and my mom and dad were there. But it was in the 1800s and it was just too sad so somehow I woke up.

Thursday jan 28

I just got a box of nachos at e z stop in Omaha. That place gives me the creeps. Made me feel dirty. I don't know why. Just a feeling. I noticed they have some machines turned toward the wall in the back. I wonder what that is about? I have to take Rachelle to the beauty shop at 2 and tonight I am going to gymnastics with Heather and then we are going out to eat with Holly and kids. When I got home Bob was headed to eville to take receivers back. So I have a few house of quiet. Hope to get some reading done. A rash of money was stollen at the clinic yesterday. I can't imagine who would do that. This morning I played with Addy and Abe.

TB day

7:00 I have tb training today. Which won't be so bad. I have done this quite a few times in my 11 years with echo. Yesterday was hard. I really wish I hadn't ate that cheeseburger on the way home. finished the black ice book and then couldn't get to sleep for awhile. Was going to try to go to gynmastics with Heather. I hope I have enough energy. bob washed his phone I feel so bad for him Later

Wed Morning

6:25 That was wierd I had just written a whole paragragh and it disapeared wow.

Thank you god for everything and everybody. I pray that the killing and violence will stop please stop it and I pray everyone will wake up and realize who you are and what our purpose is for being on this earth. I love you.
please be with Bob and help him find a good job.
Please give everyone in Haiti strength
please don't give up on me. Give me strength to keep going and help me see your purpose in all things.
Today is my 12 hour day it is 630 and I must get ready.
Thank you

Early Morning reverie

trues 6:22 I have to leave in about 20 minutes but I have to write. I couldn't sleep last night the melatonin just doesn't work but the real problem I think was taking the nap in the afternoon. I am going to try using my light I bought years ago and see if that helps. I dreamed about my grandpas house about it being moved and people trying to break in. It was disturbing. Had a great time at Heather's last night. I love my children and their families so much. I thank you God for them and I pray for their protection from this world. I am reading this book black ice that I picked up George Shepard tagged auction. It is too violent for me but I am hooked to finish it.

A quick poem

Dawn and the realization
that I have made a fool of myself
but maybe that is the sign.
I usually play it close
What is a fool anyway,
that is a good question.


I pray Lord God for M today. I pray that you will be with the Doctors and find what is wrong and give her relief from this terrible pain. In Jesus Name. AMEN. and please make them safe on their trip.
I pray that lives will be saved and pain lighted in Haiti today. Amen

Monday Martin Lutherr Kings Birthday

Monday I don't have to work today but do have to work on Thursday. Have to go to TB training. That won't be to bad. I have been reading stuff about depression on the Internet. and Heather called and wants me to go over and play with the girls while Matt goes to Carmi. I have to leave in 30 minutes. I ordered another book..... I love books I have 5 on the chair right now. how will I ever learn to control this addiction... I am thinking of taking a trip to Scotland this year. through Collette travels I will ask Linda and Mary and a few others but will go by myself if not. Time is short.
Things I want to do today is
clean up dining room
put rest of stuff away on counter
move my desk
fold clothes do

do wii fit
pay bills
go to bed early
have to feed Rachelle

it is fun to right and not have to worry about punctuation

Sunday

I am being very quiet waiting for Bob to get up it is 12:30 and I know he needs his sleep.
I actually feel like doing something today. I am going to take down the tree and christmas decorations At least the ones that have santa in them. I love leaving the snow men up.
I have started reading this book
Find your own North Star and it has some insightful information. I am going to look into. I will report on this soon. This was from yesterday and now it is today. I did get the tree down and now I have boxes to go downstairs and stuff to go in boxes but did make some progress. I did the wii fit and played some football. i watched my netflix and Paranormal activity which bob brought home. I hated it it made me nauseated. BAD BAD Movie . I am watching Cranford on netflix it is wonderful. That was yesterday and now it is today. Last night right as i was falling asleep bob asked me if I hate him. Why does he ask those questions?

I am fighting

I have kind of gone nuts buying stuff. Which is something I do in Jan. I have bought probably 10 books. Lots of self help type of stuff. Like "How to find your North Star".I bought a Wii and lots of games with my points from my credit card. Tonight we bob and I are going to see avatar. Have heard only good things about this movie. I am fighting my depression so much this last month. My inner core wants my body to fold up around it and be dorment. It makes everything such an effort. Going to work, dressing, driving, being around people. I am trying some techniques, living in the moment, stopping neg self talk. They say to treat that neg self talk like a two year old. For me pure peace is found when I read and sleep sometimes when I sleep I have had a few really sad dreams. When I wake up in the night I feel sad sometimes. I have nothing to feel sad about. I can recognize some of my mothers characterists recently. She always had the energy to go to work but her overall energy level otherwise was very quiet sitting in her chair in the kitchen smoking cig, drinking beer and watching tv. I don't think I ever say her take even a walk. I am having to fight that example. Cause that is all I want to do. I make myself get up drive to work work my hours drive home and I collapse with a glass a wine and a book or computer or a tv show. No physical activity and my mom didn't either. I have to break this cycle To do this would take the greatest strength of my life. Also my mother stayed in the same profession her whole life and I seem to be stuck in that whole also. How can I change these things?
Do I want to change these things. Why do I feel so tired inside and outside?
could drinking wine with my depression and antidepressents make my condition worse? How do I modivate myself. Oh and another thing I love to do is looke at Goodwill.com. I can spend hours doing that.

Things that come easy
reading
sleeping
looking at goodwill.com
Things that com hard
keeping the house clean
working
anything else
This is not a new problem. I think I am very self centered. I don't think it is only depression.
I do realize that the only person in my small intimite world when I was growing up who was active was Virginia.
Even Autie Bobbie was very sedentary. I was never around any active people. I can say I don't have to be this way. I can make small changes. What small change might help.
I do not want to feel sad. I want to enjoy every moment of every day. How do I get more energy?
The question is what do I want to see change or what change could be like a domonio effect and cause other changes. Probably exercise and I did buy wii fit and I love to play games.. Here is another insight. I love to play games and want to be a part of book club but there is something in me that is to lazy or tired or something that won't exert the energy to do those things, It wants to lay dorment all covered up with its head under the covers and it wants me to also. Wierd Wierd Wierd.
Today for example. I really didn't get much sleep. Preston, Lydia, and I went to bed about 11:30 and I woke up several times to go to the bathroom and then they woke up about 7>30 and we got up at 8:40 and they were ready to play and I am totally wiped out. I drug through the whold morning and when they left I slept for like 5 hours. What is that about...and you know what . What I really want to do is just wrap up in a quilt and read.
We are going to the movie cause I am making myself do it. I am going to work on a list of stuff that I could do to maybe create more energy?