Initiation tool

describe how and what you are feeling right now.

I am feeling drawn in 5 directions. Should I get up and go visit should I sit and read should I finish my jewelry should I exercise should I play piano or guitar. Should I clean everything up. I am thinking I finally have time to do all these things and I can't settle on one. Should I go clean out my car. Should I clean out some drawers. Should I write some notes. My mind can't settle on one thing . i am worried about how I am going to buy the farm back. I don't see any way around it though I can't let the middle of the farm be sold but i AM 55 YEARS OLD. My GOSH how CAN i TAKE ON THAT KIND OF DEBT. I JUST THINK I SHOULDN'T BE AT THIS POINT IN MY LIFE. i JUST FEEL LIKE ANY MAJOR PROBLEM AND I WILL PANIC. AND GO HYSTERICAL. i HAVE NO ONE TO TURN IT OVER TOO THAT WILL TAKE IT THAT WORRIES ME AND I AM NOT SO WORRIED ABOUT THE CAR PAYMENT NOW. i THINK i CAN MAKE THIS. i HAVE SO MANY UNFINISHED PROJECTS AND THEN i JUST BUY MORE SO MANY UNFINISHED BOOKS AND i BUY MORE BOOKS MORE STUFF RIGHT BE TAKEN DOWN OUTSIDE. NOW THE CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS NEED TO BE TAKEN DOWN OUTSIDE, THE HOT TUB IS BROKE. MY YARD LOOKS LIKE A JUNK PILE. NOT WHAT i WANT. THE DOCK IS NOT DONE THE BATHROOM DOWN STAIRS IS NOT DONE THE POND IS NOT DONE NOTHING BOB STARTS IS DONE THE BATHROOM TILE IS BROKE THERE IS NO TILE UNDER THE STOVE. i DON'T GET IT AND THE DOWNSTAIRS IS STARTING TO LOOK LIKE A WORK SHOP I HATE IT I HATE IT. WHERE. AND MY FINANCES ARE SHOT i AM LIVING HAND TO MOUTH WITH NO ONE TO HELP ME IF i DON;T START THINKING OF MYSELF AND MY FUTURE I AM GOING TO BE IN TROUBLE.
BUT i FIRMLY BELIEVE THAT THIS IS THE BEST IT IS To GOING TO GET AND THIS IS GOOD i HAVE A BEAUTIFUL HOUSE I LOVE WONDERFUL KIDS IT IS A MORE OF AND i WANT TO STOP WANTING GREAT LIFE I HAVE NOTHING TO WANT . My mind just jumps from one thing to another but it is very self centered thinking only of myself and my feelings. I need to get outside that . When I go somewhere I find myself wantsing to get home and be by myself. Nuts nuts nuts. stop stop stop.I can't think of any more to write I could write about the decorations on my walls for instance the 4 norman rockewell plates my mom bought me years ago the four seasons I love them I hade lots of norman rockwell stuff in my other home and now bob actually has some in his new house. the plate with the 4h ribbon. I remember seeing and then the painting that my mom had in my child hood home of the flowers I forget what they are calledbut it is one of my prized possessions. ll have dreams about that never seemed clean so crowded. I loved the drawers behind my door in my bedroom that dad made for me. painted different colors.love my dad's bedroom it was done all in dark brown with darkbrown curtains and bed spread the furniture was leather how I wish I still had that furniture. I do have the lamps and the tiger picture which I am going to put in the bathroom today. and the kissing heads. It was deepbrow leather with a noton in the center of each section. s I loved it. perfect condition. Al my mom's stuff was in perfect condition. I never really liked the bathroom between the two bedrooms I think I stii t hung in the living room over the red cough forever. I really don't know the history but I think she had it when they lived in there apartment befor my dad's accideent. Marian bought that red couch it was a great couch mom had it reapolstered sometima and it was iin great shape it was a really good couch. I wonder what happened to all of mariansstuff. I used toI need to clean the frame. on the bottom then the bird clock athat I boought bob for father s day and he didn't ;;ole ot he couldnt't stand the bird sounds but I love it guess I bought it for myself the the curtains that are mad from material I found in my grandfathers basement I love I even have pictures of the curtains hanging in there house. Then the china cabinet that I cbought after my mom dies with the money that I got from the auction. A very smart buy and all the mwonder ful things in it. then the plant that I jsut bought last summer and am doing well keeping it alive. the lamp that I found in my grandpa attic and put the new lamp shad on and andy rewired for me a prized possesion. The little sled table that I bought in crossville that I love and the end tables that were my grandpa that really need some work and the lamps that I believe are painted china they have signatures. all very precious and the red stove that I bugged bob till I got and he put in probably one of the last things he did and he hated every minute of it.